The Pocket Plunger and Other Money-Making Inventions
In the end, there’s only one thing that people really want; only one thing that they dream of, pant about and desire with every atom of their earthly beings.
Some might think that it’s hours-long, groaning, moaning, groping, slithering, screaming, acrobatic whoopee with a luscious babe or well-muscled hunk who isn’t their boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse or worn out inflatable doll. Others, especially those who read a lot of war books as kids, will tell you that it’s the sight of a giant mushroom cloud over our enemies’ cities or their neighbors’ homes. Some troubled souls think that it’s something as unnatural as peace on earth, while others will say that it’s a cold twelve-pack of anything with alcohol in it.
They’re wrong. The only thing we really desire in life is MONEY—lots of it, gobs of it, mountains of it, TRUCKLOADS FULL OF IT! For money is the only thing that will set us free enough nuke our neighbors’ homes—just try buying a lump of plutonium with the change from the couch cushions—and buy as much degrading lust as it takes to turn our bodies into spent heaps of degenerating flesh.
Money doesn’t come easy, though. In order to make money, you’ve got to spend money. And now, Rick and I are giving you the opportunity to have TRUCKLOADS OF MONEY PULL UP TO YOUR GARAGE EVERY WEEK!
We’ve formed RD Development Services, Inc., a company that will invent, develop, manufacture and sell products and services that the world’s yearning masses—even commies, Democrats and poor people—will stomp over each other to buy. Riots at Wal-Marts and European soccer games will be nothing compared to the “I gotta have it now” rage our products will create.
In order to get our company started, and you ROLLING IN MORE MONEY THAN ALL THE WORLD’S PRINTING PRESSES CAN SPEW OUT, we need startup cash, or as they say in financial circles, venture capital seed money. We need you to give us money—I mean, invest in our company. We’re not soliciting billionaires because they’ve already got money, and we fervently believe that this amazing offer should be made only to PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO TRULY BELIEVE IT’S POSSIBLE TO HAVE TRUCKLOADS OF MONEY PULL UP TO YOUR GARAGE!
We’ve formed this company in the spirit of past geniuses who’ve lifted humankind out of its squalor by inventing such labor-saving and spirit-lifting things as the pop-top beer can and thonged pantie. Here’s our initial line of products:
Pocket Plunger® This is a product for everyone who has ever suffered the embarrassment of having expelled too big of a meal into one of those sissy toilets at relatives’ or friends’ homes. You flush, the plumbing can’t accommodate your healthy load, the bowl starts filling with water, the water nears the rim and you look frantically around for a plunger so as to avoid a messy flood, and there is none because the hosts have failed to put one out. Be embarrassed no more. Our retractable Pocket Plunger® has a sturdy, telescoping uranium/titanium alloy shaft and a supple, rubber bulb, that when retracted, fits into a large purse, brief case, backpack or computer bag. Whip that baby out, press the button and you’re ready to plunge your mess away. Cleanse the bulb in the sink, press the button to retract, return it to your brief case or purse, and no one will ever know that you pigged out and nearly ruined the plumbing.
Ant Specs© Remember those X-ray Specs from the backs of comic books? These are better. They’re demagnifying specs that will make anything you look at appear tiny and inconsequential—like ants! Got a jerk of a boss you’re scared of and afraid to confront or mouth off to? Pop on our Ant Specs© and those bosses will look like the insects they really are. You’ll feel bold, powerful and in control when they appear so small, and you’ll have no trouble working up the courage to shout obscenities at them. We expect to sell tens of millions of these to the military. When soldiers see that the armies, tanks and guns massed in their front look like toys, they’ll have no qualms about charging them. Many a glorious, blood-splattered charge will be launched because of Ant Specs©.
Freshen on the Fly Reversible Underwear® If one side gets a little, well, unwearable, just flip these babies inside out and you’ve got a fresh pair of unmentionables! Each side is differently colored, so no one will know, unless you’re bold enough to tell them, that you have freshened on the fly! Wear ‘em again and again! Hundreds of millions will be sold in
A little of your money will go a long way. Once the profits start rolling in we’ll start the TRUCKLOADS OF MONEY SPEEDING TO YOUR GARAGE! As an added bonus, we have developed, and will plant orchards full of millions of The Hell With Poverty Money Tree®. These trees will be grown in highly secretive and fiercely guarded locations—veritable money factories—where they will produce bills in $10, $20 and $50 denominations, which we will rush to you. As Rick explains:
“We’ll load the money loose into dump trucks, flip tarps over the beds and send them barreling down the highways. Bills will be flying everywhere, but no one will care because our investors will have more money than the world has ever known. No one will miss a few million bucks! I’ve calculated that within three years, our top investors will each be worth an average of $275,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.03--after taxes!"
We know, of course, that once you make this money, you’ll want to keep it and not hand it over to the government. To that end we promise everyone who sends us money that we will KEEP NO RECORDS OF YOUR INVESTMENT! That way the IRS will never know how much you’ve invested and how much of the profits you’re reaping. And they’ll never be able to confiscate your TRUCKLOADS OF MONEY!
We don’t accept checks, money orders or credit cards, just U.S. dollars, and only $5, $10 and $20 bills.
Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll get you started on becoming a bazillionaire.
Hurry, though. Rick and I need a couple of twelve-packs.