Runs on platform of change
Vows to change wife, beer brands, light bulbs and more!
You know, I believe in freedom. I love freedom. Damn, I am freedom itself, so feel free—feel enormously free to cheer wildly for me, to look adoringly at me, especially all you hot babes—to never stop shouting, screaming, stomping your feet, clapping your hands, yanking out your hair and drinking heavily all on account of me. Feel free to let the world know through your wild cheering that I am the greatest—I mean that this is the most historic moment ever in the history of ever!
I, my friends, relatives, bums off the street and everyone else we got here today with the promise of free liquor and American cheese sandwiches, am announcing that as of this moment I am a candidate for the presidency of the
Now is not the time to look bewildered, stunned and scared. The cameras are rolling, so start cheering, you goofs. Make this thing look good!
Why am I running? Why am I sacrificing my time, less-than-sterling reputation and your money to run for the office, which, quite frankly, I’m entitled to and shouldn’t have to campaign for at all? This should be a coronation, not a competitive election. I mean, someone as great and as intelligent as me—I am smarter than all of you put together—should just be installed as president. I shouldn’t have to go through the indignity of having to convince all you fools and idiots to vote for me. Do you know who I am? Do you know how vastly superior I am to you and to everyone else on this planet? I am the president! I … am… the … president! I’m the f#@&*$! president!
And I’m president for life! The hell with the constitution! It was written before I was born and my all-consuming greatness was recognized. To be honest, I’m a self-centered, self-absorbed control freak who lusts for power. I love power and authority, and dammit, when I get to
And don’t you dare ask me questions about issues—I won’t answer them. Don’t have to. I’m not accountable to the news media, to the public or anyone or anything else. I’m an arrogant jerk, who, as I said before, am smarter than all of you. So trust in my infinite wisdom and don’t dare question me. If you do question me, be assured that I will punish you and make your lives living hells.
Mine will be a presidency of money—money, money and more money! If you’ve got money and have given it to me—I mean to my campaign—you’ll have access to me and I’ll do you political favors. I represent moneyed interests. This is a government of moneyed interests, by moneyed interests and for moneyed interests! I would love to represent poor people, but since they don’t have money, the hell with them!
And speaking of money, let me get to the real reason I’m running for president. That reason is change! Americans are clamoring for change. They can feel change, and they can taste change. All those losers in the race now talk about change, but it’s obvious from their statements that they have no idea what it is. Their ignorance on this issue tells me that they really are not committed to change.
Well, I am committed to change—deeply committed, fervently committed!
My opponents babble constantly about change, but I’m the only candidate—and this is pure truth and I don’t apologize for uttering it—who walks around with change in his pocket! Right now I’m loaded down with quarters, nickels, dimes, pennies and Susan B. Anthony dollars!
How committed am I to change? This committed: I no longer use paper money. I pay for everything with change! I have change in jars in my house, change in bowls, change in brown paper bags, change on the floors, change in couch cushions, change everywhere!
And, unlike my opponents, I know how to make change—and I don’t need a computer to do it. If someone buys an item for four dollars and eighty-three cents, and pays for it with a five- dollar bill, well, I know that they’re due seventeen cents in change! No one loves change more than I do. When I’m president I will ban paper money and dictate that all financial transactions be conducted with change. No paper money, no debit cards, no credit cards, just change!
Let me tell you how else I’m committed to change—how for me change means action, not empty rhetoric. I promise you—promise you!—that when I get to
Mostly, though, I’ll change my mind for money. If I’ve taken a position on an issue and someone from the other side offers me money to change my mind, I’ll change it. When I’m driving my car, and yes, I will drive myself, I’ll change directions just for the hell of it. I’ll make lane changes. I’ll change light bulbs, change my car’s oil, change the bed sheets, change TV channels, change my wife, change beer brands, change my name, change everything! Change! Change! Change! Change! Change! Change! Change!
Let me end by saying the one thing that will convince you, that will permanently sear into your brain the idea that in all of history there has been no one more committed to change than I, that I am an agent of change, that I am change itself.
I promise you that when I get to Washington—but not until then—I will make the greatest change of all, the biggest change in all of history, the most massive change ever, the change that will have people talking forever and all time, the change that will awe and humble the Almighty. My friends, when I get to
Good night, and God bless.