Steroids in Baseball; So What!

We all use performance enhancers

Do implants make a breast less grabbable?


Do I have to point it out again that we're a drugged-up nation where just about everybody does or uses something to enhance their performance? Obviously I do.

The hysterics--at least among sportscasters and radio talk show hosts--surrounding the long-awaited Steroids in Baseball report are sickening, especially when they come from wusses who've probably never swung a bat. So let's go through some of the things we all do to enhance our performances.

Do you wear contacts or eye glasses, or have you had lasik surgery? If you do or if you had, you're enhancing your performance. God obviously didn't give you perfect eyes, so any attempt to correct flawed vision is an obvious attempt to enhance your performance.

--Breast implants. Jesus. Shouldn't under-endowed women stay as unattractive as God made them? By enlarging their boobs they're lying to potential boyfriends or girlfriends, and, obviously using artificial means to enhance their looks. Do implants make a boob less grabable? Would one of these self-righteous TV, newspaper or radio sports goofs stand on principal and refrain from fondling an enhanced breast? Many famous porn stars have had breast implants. Do those souped-up boobs make their on-screen gyrations any less authentic or enjoyable?

--Push-up bras. Saggy, baggy boobs aren't as attractive as plump, pushed-up ones. That's why tens of millions of women use these garments to artificially enhance their looks.

--Hair dye and makeup. Sports broadcasters, especially the goofs on TV, slather their faces and hair in makeup and dye, all in an effort to make themselves look younger or to hide hideous blemishes or moles. If some of these creatures actually appeared on-air without makeup, the viewing public would be horrified and would turn them off. Makeup and hair dye are performance enhancers. You don't hear these performance-enhancing goofs denouncing themselves, do you? Of course not; they're hypocrites.

--Nicotine. Where would we be without this performance-enhancing drug? Mark Twain, America's greatest writer, wrote his great novels through clouds of bluish-grey cigar smoke. He nearly always had a cigar in his mouth. Should we remove Twain's books from stores and libraries because he wrote them with a boost from nicotine? Or should we put asterisks next to his books to let children know that, because they were written with aid of a thought-enhancing substance, they are less credible?

Sigmund Freud, the greatest shrink of all time, and one of the world's greatest thinkers ever, refused to stop smoking cigars--even after part of his jaw had been removed because of mouth cancer--because he wanted to keep his mind sharp, and he knew that nicotine helped keep it that way. At the height of his career Freud was smoking 20 cigars a day. Does that make his ideas and the books he wrote less valid?

--Cold medicine. Americans pop billions of pills every year so they can keep working or playing then they have colds. They take pills to stop the sniffles, reduce their fevers and stop their disgusting sneezing. Why do they refuse to let those colds run their natural course, which is seven to ten days? Because they wouldn't be as effective at work or at play if they were dripping mucus and sneezing all over their co-workers, clients and bosses. Are the decisions and the performances of people on cold medicine invalid because they used this performance enhancer? Are people who use cold medicine cheating? What about their wheezing co-workers who don't mind taking a few sick days when ill? Aren't cold- pill-poppers giving themselves an unfair, artificial advantage over their colleagues who stay home when sick?

--Exercise. It's unnatural to lift weights, do sit-ups, jog, sweat in saunas and steam rooms, swim and spend endless hours on treadmills. But we do these unnatural things so we will look buffed and healthy and convince some other svelte creature to get between the sheets with us. Isn't it unfair for a ripped, steel-abbed hunk who exercises three hours a day to bed a sexy, slithering, oiled-up babe, while the beer-bellied, chip-munching slug who refuses to engage in performance-enhancing activities like exercise is stuck amusing himself?

--Copy editors. Many sports writers can't write, can't spell and are imbeciles when it comes to grammar. The stuff they turn into their papers is often incoherent. Armies of editors and copy editors have to rewrite their garbage and correct their misspellings and grammatical mistakes so the pieces will resemble something that people might want to, and actually can, read. In their natural state, most sports "writers" are idiots who can't write. The layer of editors who turn their copy into readable stuff are performance enhancers. Yet you don't hear these idiots clamoring to outlaw the very unnatural reasons for their success.

Here are a few other performance-enhancing substances and things that will never be denounced by the smug writers, broadcasters and talk show hosts:

--Shoes. We weren't born with them, but they get us further and over more terrain than will our bare feet.

--Haircuts, razors and shaving cream. Without these unnatural things we'd still look like cavemen.

--Soap. This substance doesn't exist in nature. Shame on all of us for trying to cleanse ourselves of all the dirt, grime and natural body substances that cling to us. We're all asterisks.

--Clothes. We weren't born with these, either. They hide our hideous bodies, keep us warm and cool and protect us from bugs. They are unnatural and enhance our performance. JUst try playing ice hockey naked.

--Mouthwash, toothpaste and toothbrushes. Breathe on someone without using these unnatural, performance-enhancing products and see where you get.

--Combs and hair brushes. What's wrong with just running your fingers through your hair?

--Hairspray.

--Watches. Can't any of you goofs tell the time by the position of the sun in the sky?

--Antibiotics. You get sick, you get sick. If your body can't fight off disease and bacteria, why should you be allowed to live with the aid of these manufactured substances?

--Light bulbs. Why should you be able to see and work once the sun goes down?

--Paper. This doesn't exist in nature.

--Tools and weapons. Man invented these things. Without them we'd be unable to build shelter and kill animals for food. Unnatural, unnatural, unnatural!

--Viagra and hair pieces.

I could go on, but I won't. It's obvious that these hypocritical losers are hypocritical losers.